News just in! Cops in the Western Province have busted a massive dagga dealing ring.
Police in the small town of Akunamatata (just 25km’s from Cape Town) could not believe their luck when a tipoff about someone driving suspiciously well lead them to the home of a young couple who were growing crazy amounts of ganja. “This is the most police action we’ve seen since Eugene fell of his horse and the local 1 man AWB group went into full revolt, leading to a broken window and Tannie Van Der Merwe’s roses being trampled when the hysterical Nazi wannabe was tackled to the ground and restrained”, said the local SAPS spokesperson Lieutenant Shambles.
“When we got to the house, we could smell that something wasn’t right. The place smelled cheesier than a week old Spur Cheddamelt special”. Suspicious about the neat upkeep of the garden and general pleasantness of the house, police quickly obtained a warrant then kicked down the front door of Mr and Mrs Ponics’ residence. They found approximately “R 5 million worth of dagga and R 1 million worth of growing equipment”. Upon closer inspection by the SAPS Criminal Investigation Unit, it was verified that the dagga and growing equipment found were in fact a half empty bag of Woolies salad and a double door LG fridge.
Not to be outwitted, Captian Nkosi Noseofdahound could not shake off the prevailing cheese aroma in and around the house. So a further 15 cop cars and 3 helicopters were called in to quarantine the property. After a 5 hour, 30 man and 10 sniffer dog dagga scavenger hunt, the culprit of the odor was found. Growing in the cupboard under the kitchen sink were not one, but two dagga plants! Mr and Mrs Ponic had rigged up a sophisticated dagga lab from three compact fluorescent light bulbs, a motor vehicle windshield protector and a two liter ice cream tub. Authorities believe the two dagga plants to be an especially strong strain of dagga commonly referred to as “Cheese”, which was created by crossing Malawi Gold with a particularly aggressive Maltese Poodle and chalked up the ingenuity of the growers to them “watching too much MacGuyver”.
When asked about the significance of this bust, Cape Town Mayor Patricia Da Thrill had this to say: “Today signifies the payoff for all the millions of rand we have spent to beat the Devil’s lettuce into extinction. I would like to thank the hardworking staff of the South African Police service for the many hours spent and fingernails broken in bringing this multibillion rand drug cartel to its knees. Now if only those pesky farmer workers would stop striking so much, my wine supply is running worryingly low”.
A special awards ceremony has scheduled for the Akunamatata police team in recognition of the hundreds of lives they have saved by preventing the total bust sum of 15g of Cheese from hitting the streets.
Mr & Mrs Ponics have however in the meantime been released and all charges dropped due to the evidence having gone missing. Calls by our special reporting unit to the Akunamatata police station regarding this have gone unanswered, although there was a moment when the phone was answered and the only sound heard was surprisingly similar to a mega bong hit.
We can only surmise that the absence of evidence in the case will now become one of those great South African mysteries, like “What does Jacob Zuma keep in his secret bunker?” or “How many children does Steve Hofmeyer really have?”.